The Unavoidable

There are many reasons to tell your kid not to be in a rush to grow up. Traffic jams, root canals, tax audits and colonoscopies are just a few good reasons why children should be encouraged to live in the moment. Eventually as we grow older some of these things are just unavoidable.

A colonoscopy is one of those things.

"...all at once the feeling of pain is sharp and full-bodied, with a hint of razor blades. It is like having an errant raccoon with sharpened claws stuffed up ones innards."

I am not all that unfamiliar with the scope, a few years back I had a run in with one before. Several years ago I was experiencing severe gastro-intestinal disorders and the doctors defaulted to the scope to eliminate all possibilities such as Crohn’s disease, ulcerative colitis, or diverticulitus. After suffering a round of torture with the scope I was sent on my way with an invitation to come back in five years. Eight years has elapsed since my last procedure.

Late last fall my mother was having some health issues, she was constantly tired, weak and she had lost some weight. After multiple blood tests the doctors ordered that she get a colonoscopy. The results were not good. They discovered a massive tumor that had ruptured the intestinal wall. She was going to need surgery to remove the mass, and a CT scan to determine if the cancer had spread to any other parts of the body. As a passing comment the doctor performing the colonoscopy had guessed that she had the cancer or growth for about 5 years.

My mom had the surgery, her colon was resected, reattached and she began the regimen of chemotherapy. The biopsy of the tumor was conclusive; she was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer. She is on her 5th of week of chemo and so far she has managed to keep all of her hair.

All of this prompted pressure from all of my family to go and get checked out. As it turns out the doctor agreed. As soon as you have a direct relative that has a type of cancer, in this case colon cancer your chances of getting it yourself increase exponentially.

I was given a Speedpass to go to the head of the line for the magical mystery tour.

Needless to say I was scared and nervous. My first scoping several years back did not go so well. I was given enough Versed, a conscious sedative, but not enough of the painkiller Demerol. As a result I suffered excruciating pain but didn’t have the ability to say anything about it. The doctor and driver on the scope was very heavy handed with the scope and was overly generous with the gas that is used to inflate the colon. The result, pure misery. All I can say is that all at once the feeling of pain is sharp and full-bodied, with a hint of razor blades. It is like having an errant raccoon with sharpened claws stuffed up ones innards.

If the procedure is difficult the preparation is no better. You are instructed to not eat any solid foods for a day and you have to clear the plumbing. I had to take 24 doses of laxatives in a 4 hour timeframe. At first you think, “hey this is no problem.” Then you hear the muffled sound of a bed sheet tearing in half in your gut and you have to sprint to the toilet all the time hoping that you don’t explode in the process. You continue this whole routine for the next 10 hours or so.

This time the doctor was much better about the procedure. The attending nurse and anesthesiologist heard my concerns and gave me enough painkillers to take down a water buffalo. I didn’t remember or feel a thing.

It was a good thing I went too. The doctor found a precancerous 10mm polyp near the cecum, the joint where the small intestine joins the colon. He used a hot snare to resect it and sent it to the lab for biopsy. I am still waiting on the results, which should be good, but because they found polyps I get to do this all over again in 3 years.

It beats the alternative.

Please eat your fiber, cancer sucks.

Run Fatty Run

Another year another ½ marathon done. Once again I participated in the PF Chang’s ½ marathon here in Phoenix. I didn’t train as much this year. I had a mishap back in November. I fell on the final mile of a 4-mile run. I was doing a 9-minute mile and I hit the asphalt – hard. I immediately could tell that I contused the bones in my hand. Later I noticed a searing pain in my rib cage – I had probably broken a rib.
I backed off my training regimen immediately. Consequently when I could train again it was only weeks before the race.

I went into the race knowing that I would only run a portion of it, and then walk the rest. I did okay on the walk/run plan. Despite the aches and pains I crossed the finish line and earned the finishers medal.

Yesterday was the Arizona Distance Classic. I opted not to go this year. I would like to do at least on more ½ marathon this year, the training keeps me honest. Perhaps I’ll sign up for the Disneyland ½ marathon in September.

Despite all of the marathon business I just enjoy running despite the lack of talent for it.

Although I was not born on Mt. Olympus nor under its shadow of it I rise everyday to the heroes task:

Drink the eggs
Punch the meat
Run, run, run, up the stairs
Lather, rinse, repeat

Hollywood Memories

Going through some files this weekend I found a couple of photos that were taken from the sets of music videos.

The first photo is with David Negron from Los Lobos and Dwight Yokam from the set of "Hey Good Lookin" by Buckwheat Zydeco. I was the first assistant director for Oley Sassone on the set.

The second photo was from the set of a music video that was directed by Blair Underwood.

Discovering Treasure

This weekend while putting away all of the Christmas decorations Jill decided that it would be a good time to clean out the garage. While doing so she uncovered something that I though was long gone.

Some 18 years ago a good friend of mine, John Gates, decided to stay on with the military as a medic and went on to the 5028th Special Operations Support Battalion. Shortly upon joining the unit he found himself supporting operations for the various Special Forces groups and for department Delta. On one of his exercises he found himself returning to Panama for a second time, not to train but to help with capturing Manuel Noriega. Unfortunately Manny got away and found himself stuck in the embassy of the Vatican listening to Billy Ray Cyrus’ “Achy Breaky Heart” some several thousand times. Meanwhile, Delta Force, the Navy SEALS and my friend John were ransacking all 7 of his homes throughout the country. John managed to acquire some of the booty, eventually a couple of the pieces made their way to me.



As part of the spoils I ended up with a candid snapshot of Noriega and several pieces of his stationery. Now…If I could somehow get to the Federal Penitentiary in Florida to get him to sign it.

I also found a complete compilation of Harlan Ellison’s works. When I cracked the cover I discovered that it was signed by him and addressed to me.



Along with the file that contained the Noriega stationery was a series of original hand painted animation cells from the Saturday morning children’s shows The Archies and The Lone Ranger.



I use to hate the Antiques Roadshow. I saw all of those people and thought out of all that junk I had in the garage amounted to nothing more than a pile of dust bunnies. Now, I think that I actually might have something. Not bad for a day’s find.

Apology Accepted, 19 Years Later

The Internet has a strange way of getting people back together. A couple of weeks ago I got an email from Don Morris. After having left the army we all went our separate ways and on with our lives. Unfortunately we all lost touch with each other, we all wanted to get away from the experience of the military but at the same time we lost the most important thing that we had, our friendships. Don over the years would use Google to search for friends, eventually he found the blog and it led to me. I got his email and immediately called him.


It was one of those conversations you have with an old friend where you pick up just where you left off just as if no time had passed. It was good to talk to and catch up with an old friend.

I’m just glad that he forgave me for kicking him in the head.

Someone Made Me Hitler (Schickelgrubered)

As part of a performance incentive program at work I had set up a competition based off of Fight Club. Individual agents would use their daily and weekly stats to "fight" each other to find out who was the winner of the daily and weekly match ups.

As part of the whole program I had several posters made up from the movie Fight Club. I had the artist replace my face with Edward Norton's and Ross William's face replaced Brad Pitt's.

It turns out that someone in the center decided to do some further modifications to the image.



As you can see the moustache is trimmed quite small and with the hair parted so gives me the image of the Führer und Reichskanzler himself.

The gut reaction was anger for a half-second, then I realized the ridiculousness of it and went on with my life. I don't usually find humor in anything to do with the Third Reich but on a rare occasion something comes along that makes you laugh.

Stealing My Mojo

The image is moderately famous. It's my 15kb of fame. A glorious posting on the Internet that will live forevermore. A picture that was taken of me long ago during the music video years of my life. The picture was scanned by a coworker for me as a favor. The next day it ended up on every screen saver and desktop background at EarthLink. A year after that it was anonymously submitted to mulletsgalore.com and was selected as "mullet of the week." I never thought that the photo would end up being the mullet seen 'round the world. Turns out that I am not the only person that thinks the photo is iconic in its flowing power. A couple other sites have used the image to further their own ends.



The newspaper at the University of Arizona did a review for various mullet websites and lo and behold they used my photo, with the obligatory censoring of the eyes seeing as they did not seek my permission to use the image. If they just would have asked I would have gladly obliged.

In the next image you can see that I have been totally defiled.

As part of the wave anti-Arab humor that occurred post 9/11 they have taken my hair and placed someone else's face, calling the photo "Osama bin Longhair."
A total ripoff. You can see that those are my ears, my hair, my shirt. The least they could have done was keep my face there and slapped on a mustache. As P.T Barnum put it, "I don't care what you say about me as long as you spell the name right." In my case it is more like, I don't care what you do with the photo as long as you don't change it. Leave it in its original glory.

Dispatches from the Wonka School of Management

(The Gene Wilder version, not the Michael Jackson and the Chocolate Factory version)

Be Creative

Care for and respect your people

Lead with integrity and expect integrity from others

Search the world over high and low for inspiration, the right product and the right people

Be passionate about your product and about what you do

Innovate your product constantly and aspire to create the Everlasting Gopstopper

Find and train open-minded talent to replace you

Find the fun in everything you do

Phase Deux

Almost there. The carpenter came over and installed the surround and the media cabinet. As you can see, beautymus. This week I'll install a second HDMI cable that will run to a HDMI switcher. Just in time for Santa to bring the XBox. Woohoo!

Scared of Santa

You'd think that the man that bought you toys on Christmas day would hold a special place in your life as child. Apparently this is not always so as witnessed by the website Scared of Santa. Since 2004 The Sun-Sentinel out of South Florida has been gathering pictures of little ones getting the piss scared out of them by Father Christmas. Initially the site started out with a dozen or so classic pictures of children trying to escape surly or drunk looking Santa's by either running away or executing a category 5 scream back at the reasonable facsimile of old Saint Nick. Whether it be self defense mechanism of fight or flight, separation anxiety or otherwise, it's amazing to see how many parents will drop their kids into the laps of total strangers knowing that there is a fair chance of a total meltdown. The site is a scream, literally.


Enjoy and Merry Christmas.

Earning Man Points

It turns out that you can justify just about anything. In our case it was a 52inch LCD TV.

“We never go to the movies,” we bemoan. The last 5 movies I’ve been to were either Disney or Pixar. If we go to a movie it’s usually a kid flick, something that the whole family can see.

By the time we pay for a babysitter dinner and movies the night cost’s us about $100.
Turns out that dating one’s own wife is more expensive than dating her when she was the girlfriend. So, over the years we’ve fantasized about getting a big screen TV. Using the above-mentioned justifications we continued our fantasy until, finally it has manifested itself into the Sony Bravia 52 inch behemoth glass idol to the gods of TV and movies.

Okay, okay, stop where you’re at because in my case just getting a big screen wasn’t that simple. In my case doing something to the house never is. You see, we live in Arizona. All of the houses are new. So instead of having any sort of accommodations for a widescreen most house designers have taken it upon themselves to design what I have dubbed the plaster disaster. Take the focal point of a room where a television would go and with drywall create a series of useless indentations, shelves and niches. It seems as if there are a series of geniuses that consider themselves to be a sort of Michelangelo, but instead of using marble they have chosen drywall and plaster. The results are lame, useless and nauseating at best and the valley of the sun is full of such architectural genius.

In our particular case, around the fireplace were two nieces and an excuse for a fireplace surround. The mantle above the fireplace stuck out only 3 inches from the wall. You couldn’t hang anything off of it, couldn’t set anything on top. Most items would just fall off.

Upon deciding that I was going to get a TV for my birthday we decided to call a company that specialized in creating niches into cabinets, entertainment centers, etc. A sales person for “Cure for a Niche” came over and evaluated the situation. A few weeks later he came back over with a picture and a quote of $6000 to create something that looked like a giant headboard. Factoring that with the cost of the widescreen TV itself would put us well over $10,000. I was against spending that much on principle alone nevertheless not having that much money to begin with. So I decided to do something that scared the hell out of myself. I decided that it was time to earn some man points. I decided to do it myself.




With some basic calculation and minimal planning I figured that I could do the demolition, route the stereo cabling, move the electrical outlet, frame the hole, hang the drywall, texture the wall and paint for less than $600. Turns out with some help and advice from friends I was able to do the job and buy the tools needed to do the job for about $400.



The only failure was that I drastically underestimated the time that it would take to do the job. I thought that I could do it in a weekend. Turns out that it took two weekend days and my mornings before work to finish the job.

With phase one of the plan complete it looks great. The TV and Bose jewel cubes float off the wall. It looks techno and modern, a sight to behold.



Because of time and experience (or lack thereof) Jill has asked me to stop the project and hire a woodworker to finish building the fireplace surround and the stereo cabinet in the remaining niche. For me to do it would cost too much in the way of tools and would take way to long. School starts in a week and it normally cuts down on my available time drastically. We had two professional woodworkers come over and take a look at our setup. Both said that I had done a good job and that they could easily create a surround and mantle for the wall. Jill and I noticed that both of them were missing fingers from their many years of crafting, perhaps it is a good thing that I leave the finishing work to a professional.

For now the TV is up and it looks fantastic. I also upgraded to digital cable and it is incredible. The picture quality on HDTV is unmatched. So far there are only a dozen channels in HD, hopefully soon there will be more. Regular NTSC TV looks pitiful in comparison. Movies that are not hi-def but wide screen look pretty damn good and with The 300 fresh out on DVD I’m just in time to enjoy a movie that I’ve always wanted to see in the theaters but didn’t get a chance to on my new TV and over the Bose speakers in 5.1. When we tuck in the kid tonight I’ll make sure that she has her stuffed animal and a set of earplugs.

Actors with Guns

Throughout my life I have participated in one form of creative endeavor or another. While working at the Pasadena Production Studios and Pasadena Camera Rental I managed to work on a couple of student films and a couple of different photo shoots. The manager of the facility was a graduate of Art Center College of Design and would on the side work as a photographer and graphic artist. Like my wife she was abhorrent to guns. So she turned to me when working on a project that required guns, lots of guns. She at the time was working for a company that produced posters and VHS covers for movies. Her expertise was in all things art and not weaponry, hence her asking me to help. She also knew that I was getting burned out on the job and she wanted to have me do something a little different. She was kind enough to think of me for this particular job. The first portion of the job took us to Glendale Gun Works, one of the biggest weapon rental facilities in Hollywood. The place was amazing. I began to ask a lot of questions about some of the weapons, I was then led to the safe room that contained some weapons of note. In that room I was shown some of the guns used in the movies by John Wayne, James Cagney, James Arness, Edward G. Robinson and a cornucopia of other stars in movies. It was incredible to see so much Hollywood history concentrated in such a small space.
Due to some technical difficulties in the form of weapons permits and permissions, Lisa Carney had to shoot the live weapons there in the facility but was allowed to take the dummy weapons off site back to the studio.


One day I met Lisa in Calabasas at the house of the owner of the production company that she was working for. She had asked me to bring my personal weapon for a quick photo shoot. I showed up in a t-shirt and shorts, but was asked to quickly change into a black long sleeve shirt. She took the standard 36 shots on a roll of 35mm film of me in various shooting and standing positions. The difference between reality and Hollywood was apparent to me in that I was asked to position the gun in ways that were not practical nor safe in a live fire or range situation; knowing that the gun was unloaded and that this was a matter of art and not accuracy I complied.
Later on the shots were used in combination with stills from the movies. My head was digitally removed and the actor’s scowling face and head were put in place. The final result much like many of the other images found on posters for movies, actor’s with guns. As Paul Newman put it “conflict resolution through AK47.” Still, it didn’t look bad, it was for dramatic impact; which after all is what Hollywood is all about. I got 100 bucks for the gig, not bad for a hard day’s work.

I’ve Re-discovered a Part of My Youth, Discovered my Mid-Life Crisis and Sold it on EBay

Aimee has started skateboarding. In three pushes she was able to do what took me 6 months of my life to learn. She in less than 10 seconds was riding a skateboard. I was showing her the basic techniques, but she was the one that was with great ease able to replicate. Then she looked at me and said, “Dad, you should fix your skateboard and we could ride together. This, from the girl that on her first try dropped into the 9 foot bowl at the Chandler skate park on Heeleys. One of the members from team Heely saw her and said, “She’s pretty good.” He was shocked when I told him that she was only 7 at the time. Now her latest endeavor is sidewalk surfing and she wants me to join her. My employees think I’m insane, my boss just thinks I’m going to break a bone.


A day or so later I slink my way around the piles of junk in the garage and I find it, tucked away behind a shelving unit, my original deck. Kryptonics made the P-Tex fiberfoam decks back in the late ‘70s. A highly unusual deck in appearance and as a ride; smooth yet forgiving, flexible yet strong, it turns out that very few of them survived over the years. At the Sidewalk Surfer, a local skate shop in Scottsdale I was told by the owner that he refuses to put wheels and trucks on the board. “A board like that shouldn’t be ridden,” he said. “Very few of them survived and it’s worth around $400.”

It turns out that he’s right. I listed it on eBay and set the reserve price at $275. As of this writing the current bid is at $305 with some 31 people actively watching the bidding. It may go above the predicted $400 mark.


With the money I’m going to get an “old school”re-issue deck, a new set of skate shoes and some protective gear. The protective gear should keep the admonishments from the ER staff to a minimum while my arm is being re-set.

The cool thing about all of this is not the money (although this is nice) but the fact that I’ll get to skate with Aimee. This, being another thing that I use to do as a kid and now my daughter too has picked up on and loves it just as much as I did. We now get to spend that much more time together.

Eating Our Way Across Southern California

At least once a year we make our way back to Southern California toe see Jill’s family and my family. As on any trip one must eat. The joy, or at least part of the joy is being able to go on what Jill has dubbed “the eating tour”

The great thing about the L.A. area are the restaurants. Whenever we head back to visit I always try to hit one of the eateries that I use to frequent. I try to avoid chains if possible. On occasion I am able to meet friends at these establishments. One of the restaurants that I try to get to is Macho Café. I’ve known the people that own the place and that still work there since I was 10. Originally the restaurant was Macho Taco and was owned and operated by Jesus Salmandiego. At one point there were 3 branches in the Los Angeles area, but over time he pulled back to just the one location in San Gabriel that happened to be the distance of a 9 iron from the place where I grew up.

I’m not exaggerating here when I say that the food is fantastic because I’m biased, but the food is incredible. The meat that is used in all of their dishes is cooked to perfection. The have a pork that they make there called Al-Pastor. The meat is cooked on a rotating spit and sliced off once it is ready. He seasonings are a loin kept family secret. I’ve been around the world and can honestly say that I have not encountered nearly anything as good. My mom noted that I inhaled my plate of tacos at the restaurant.


One thing that Phoenix lacks despite having a healthy Jewish population is a good Jewish deli. Whenever in L.A. I make it a point to find a deli and order a matzo ball soup or a kreplach (it’s like a Jewish version of chicken won-ton soup with the kreplach being the won-ton).

This last trip that we took in January we were able to visit a couple good places to eat. Of course we can visit them all, or I’d be bigger than I already am.

Happy Cinco De Mayo

Nobody seems to know what Cinco de Mayo is (other than the fifth of May).
So as a man on the street I have gone around over the years and have asked what people think that the holiday is about.

Here's what people have said:

Mexican Independance

A bunch of Mexicans had a revolution against sombody

A bunch of priests had an uprising

But the best one so far...

It's the Mexican New Year, it's the year of the Burrito!

Trying Something New

Over the years we have placed Aimee in different types of classes and training. Currently she is in Aikido but in the past she has taken drawing lessons through the Monart program and through ASU. For awhile now I have been asking that she take some sort of shooting discpline. Jill of course was abhorrent to this at first. She has always been dead set against guns. I don't want Aimee to shoot because I like guns, I want her to shoot because my father and myself have demonstrated a talent for hand eye coordination that has manifested itself through shooting sports. In the Army I was a top notch shooter, never shooting below a 36 out of the 40 required for the 4 years that I was in. And of course over the last few years I have continued to shoot skeet and when focused do a pretty good job at it. I tried to prep both of them about the Junior Olympic program here in Arizona, they would have none of it. Standing smallbore, air rifle, air pistol, biathalon, all denied. The wanted noting to do with weapons, and I understand. Violence and weaponry in society are all too prevalent and a dangerous thing. I've only wanted Aimee to take up some sort of shooting sport because I know that she has the focus and the talent to do well at anything that she does plus the talent of my father and myself at a hand-eye coordination sport. I wouldn't care if it was darts or tiddly-winks, as long as she got practice at something. Well, it turns out that the Chandler Community Center offered Archery this summer and Jill signed Aimee up. We've gone twice now, Aimee is having some problems with the recurve bow that is larger than her (literally), and after a few rounds she begins to tire from the pull of the bow. She manages to hit the target with regularity and a few times now has hit the center 10 ring. Not bad for a little scoot. I take her every weekend and we may take a second class in the summer. I've already primed the pump about the Junior Olympic Archery Division program for girls from ages 7 to 12 that meets at the same range about an hour earlier. We'll see, for now we’re just having fun.

A Minion of MINIs

We went to a MINI Cooper rally this weekend. I had reserved a space ahead of time not realizing that it was a car show. When I pulled up I was directed away from the parking lot and into the show. The security guards moved the cones and we were asked to park somewhere on the showgrounds next to the show cars. This was embrassing to say the least. We use the car for everyday use, so when we pulled up it was filled with our stuff like jackets, empty drink containers and various papers. "Quick, hide everything!" Jill blurted out. "Crap, I didn't even wash the car," I replied. I saw a space inbetween two other pepper white Coopers and backed in. After stashing everything in the trunk it didn't look so bad. It was a good time looking at all of the other MINIs and talking to other owners about their cars. Aimee was running around looking at all of the different cars and settled on a purple Cooper S as her favorite. Next time I go to one of these things I'll wash the car.

Migraines

For the past few years my migraines have been acting up, pretty badly. I've always had headaches, but in later years these headaches have been catagory 5 in size. It's hard to relate what it is like to have a migraine to somebody that has never had one. Most people empathize, but never truly understand because they think that migraines are just frequent headaches.
When providing an example of what I am going through I usually use a 1 to 10 scale with 10 being the worst. When it is really bad I use the Transmorgafier example. A Transmorgafier is an imaginary device that takes pain and and transfers the pain to another person or entity so that they can understand what the person is going through or they can assimilate the pain for awhile so that the original sufferer can have a break. The example that I use is if there were a small poodle attached to the device, the poodle would be dead. This example often works and the person that I am talking to usually understands.

I also like to use the wine critique to explain the sensation. It gives a bit more depth to the pain:

This headache is powerfull and full-bodied, with hints of cutting and burning toward the frontal lobes and the added sensation of swelling of the brain. It's kinda like a small dwarf with razor blades for skates doing figure-eights on your brain.

This also works for most, you can see the light go off in their head and they just walk away upon hearing this.

Aversion Therapy

A little sign I made to help me stay away from the snack machine. Not that it matters, the vending company has just changed to strawberry which I consider a substandard flavor.

Ed as Muse Deux

Hanna Barbera animator, music video & motion picture director Dominic Orlando created this portrait of me 17 years ago.
Felt tip pen on 8 x10 standard weight copier paper.